“How much lies in Laughter: the cipher-key wherewith we decipher the whole man.” – Carlyle

“Men show their characters in nothing more clearly than in what they think laughable.” – Goethe

“Tis a good thing to laugh at any rate; and if a straw can tickle a man, it is and instrument of happiness.” – John Dryden

I’d rather laugh, a bright-haired boy.

Than reign, a gray-beard king. – O.W. Holmes

“A good laugh is sunshine in a house.” – Thackeray

“A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market.” – Lamb

“Man is the only creature endowed with the power of laughter.” – Greville

“I like the laughter that opens the lips and the heart that shows at the same time pearls and the soul.” – Victor Hugo

Joy has its friends, but grief its loneliness. – Robert Nathan

Laugh and the world laughs with you,

Weep and you weep alone. – Ella Wheeler Wilcox

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” ~ Sacha Guitry

“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.” ~ Duane Dewel

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” ~ Albert Einstein

“Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.” ~ Maryon Pearson

“Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” ~ Kathy Lette

“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” ~ Molly McGee

“Lord, lord, how subject we men are to this vice of lying.” ~ William Shakespeare

“There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy… like nailing a jelly to a tree for example.” ~ Anonymous

“Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.” ~ Laura Swenson

 “Man has will, but woman has her way.” ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

“Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they’ve had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.” ~ Anonymous

“Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.” ~ Lenny Bruce

“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.” ~ Unknown

“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” ~ Anonymous

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” ~ Anonymous

“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.” ~ Kathleen Mifsud

“There are two perfectly good men, one dead and the other unborn.” ~ Chinese Proverb

“Men should be like Kleenex; soft, strong and disposable.” ~ Unknown

“Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.” ~ Anonymous

 “The older theory was, marry an older man because they’re more mature. But the new theory is men don’t mature. Marry a younger one.” ~ Rita Rudner

“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” ~ Anonymous

“Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse’.” ~ Unknown

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” ~ Anonymous

“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.” ~ Jilly Cooper

“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.” ~ Roseanne Barr

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” ~ Helen Rowland

“There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.” ~ Helen Rowland

“Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.” ~ Helen Rowland

 A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.” ~ Woodrow Wyatt

“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” ~ Brendan Francis

“A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.” ~ Mae West

“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.” ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

“A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.” ~ Mae West

“It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.” ~ Helen Rowland

“A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.” ~ Unknown

“The first time you buy a house you think how pretty it is and sign the check. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It’s the same with men.” ~ Lupe Velez

“Men who don’t understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.” ~ Anonymous

“The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I like to compare you with a nice cold glass of beer, beautiful colour, perfect taste, really perfect and when the glass is empty i just take the next one!

The more I learn the more I get to know, the more I know the more I forget, the more I forget the less I know, so why should I be learning??

You got STYLE… You got SEX-APPEAL… You got the BRAINS… and you sure as hell got the BODY….WAIT!!!!!…SORRY….wrong number.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-Dave Barry

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-A. Whitney Brown

“Time is God’s way to keep everything from happening at once.”- James Brown

“If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!”-Yogi Berra

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”- Anne Bancroft

“Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control..”- Diana Jordan.

“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” – Gloria Steinem

“I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.” – Garry Shandling

“Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.” – Robert Benchley

“I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn”t true.” – Katherine Hepburn

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”- George Burns

Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford – but you’ll take him anyway.
- Judith Viorst

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
- Marie Corelli

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
- Helen Rowland

I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.
- Walter Matthau

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

“Alcohol removes inhibitions – like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: “Now bring on that damn cat!” – Eleanor Early

“Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.” – Jerry Vale

“I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been over served.” – George Gobel

“I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.” – George Best

“The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.” – William Butler Yeats

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” – George F. Burns

“I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” – W. C. Fields

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry

“Responsible Drinking? Now that’s an Oxymoron.” – Aaron Howard

“I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication.” – Oscar Wilde

“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” – Steve Fergosi

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded. ~ Yogi Berra

No, I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem. ~Ashleigh Brilliant

Strike while your employer has a big contract.

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business. ~ Dave Barry

If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn’t show up. ~ Dr Seuss

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~ Douglas Adam

Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. ~ Les Dawson

If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.

Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. ~ M. Berle

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
- Helen Rowland

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
- H.L. Mencken

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

1. Definition of a Vacuum – A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

2. Definition of Germinate – To become a naturalized German.

3. Definition of a Magnet – Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

4. To keep milk from going sour – Keep it in the cow.

5. For a nosebleed – Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

6. Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

7. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. (I raise my glass to this one).

8. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

9. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

10. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

11. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

12. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. (The Big Bang theory in miniature).

13. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars. (And THAT’s why, people, we sometimes get butterflies in the stomick).

14. When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire. (If you think about it, this one holds a deep philosophical truth).

15. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

16. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. (If it abstains, don’t give anything).

17. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

18. The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

19. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u. (This one leaves me vowelless).

20. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

21. Definition of a Planet – A body of Earth surrounded by sky. (I can see the view-point).

22. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

23. To prevent contraception – wear a condominium.

24. To remove dust from the eye – pull the eye down over the nose.

25. Respiration is composed of two acts – first, inspiration, and then expectoration.

26. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. (Immortality in the Alphabet Soup).

27. Lime is a Green- tasting rock. (This one is a personal favorite).

28. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down. (Dear old Newton must be rotating in his grave).

29. Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?
Answer: I have never performed this experiment. (A true scientific answer indeed).

30. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

31. Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.

32. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. (I SO love this one!).

33. The wind is like the air, only pushier.

34. Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

35. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

36. There is a tremendous (sic) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.

37. A fossil is a dead bone.

38. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.

39. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

40. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. (Another deep truth).

41. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

42. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

43. Clouds are high flying fogs.

44. A monsoon is a French gentleman. (Somehow I always suspected)

45. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.