You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

You can always tell an intelligent person…Their opinion is the same as yours.

You know when you sit on a chair, lean back on two legs, and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? Well, I feel like that all the time.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the National Basketball Association is Chinese.

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

You know you’re old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren’t wearing any.

You’re old when “getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

You know it is time to go on a diet when your pager goes off and you can’t feel the vibration.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.