My girlfriend got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. Her father is the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something.

Time is a luxury you do not have.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.

A succesful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A succesful woman is one who can find such a man.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

The difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut is about a week.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

A weak mind is like a microscope. It magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive great ones.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.