Doctor my wife is pergnant.She is having pain right now.

Doctor: Is this her first child?

Sardar: No this is her husband speaking…

Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford – but you’ll take him anyway.
- Judith Viorst

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
- Marie Corelli

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
- Helen Rowland

I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.
- Walter Matthau

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
- Helen Rowland

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
- H.L. Mencken

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”
-Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy “You’re
lucky, mine’s still alive.”
-  Anonymous

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs
with me.
-  Anonymous

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
     1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
     2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.         
-Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to
forget it once…      
- Anonymous

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
- Milton Berle

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer…is, “What does a woman want?
-  Sigmund Freud

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take
time to go to a restaurant two times a week.  A little candlelight,
dinner,soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henry Youngman

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-Sam Kinison

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
-James Holt McGavran

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me
and the second one didn’t.
-Patrick Murray

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH……AND
Submitted By: Mike – Thanks- Submit a Quote/Saying

 

1. Definition of a Vacuum – A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

2. Definition of Germinate – To become a naturalized German.

3. Definition of a Magnet – Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

4. To keep milk from going sour – Keep it in the cow.

5. For a nosebleed – Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

6. Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

7. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. (I raise my glass to this one).

8. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

9. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

10. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

11. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

12. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. (The Big Bang theory in miniature).

13. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars. (And THAT’s why, people, we sometimes get butterflies in the stomick).

14. When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire. (If you think about it, this one holds a deep philosophical truth).

15. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

16. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. (If it abstains, don’t give anything).

17. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

18. The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

19. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u. (This one leaves me vowelless).

20. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

21. Definition of a Planet – A body of Earth surrounded by sky. (I can see the view-point).

22. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

23. To prevent contraception – wear a condominium.

24. To remove dust from the eye – pull the eye down over the nose.

25. Respiration is composed of two acts – first, inspiration, and then expectoration.

26. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. (Immortality in the Alphabet Soup).

27. Lime is a Green- tasting rock. (This one is a personal favorite).

28. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down. (Dear old Newton must be rotating in his grave).

29. Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?
Answer: I have never performed this experiment. (A true scientific answer indeed).

30. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

31. Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.

32. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. (I SO love this one!).

33. The wind is like the air, only pushier.

34. Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

35. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

36. There is a tremendous (sic) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.

37. A fossil is a dead bone.

38. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.

39. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

40. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. (Another deep truth).

41. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

42. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

43. Clouds are high flying fogs.

44. A monsoon is a French gentleman. (Somehow I always suspected)

45. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” – C.S. Lewis

“A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting beside you say – Damn that was fun!” – Anonymous

“A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer

“Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.” – Anonymous

“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark Twain

“An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.” – Jim Hayes

“Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.” – Edwin Arlington Robinson

“Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife, unless the one is about to be sold, the other to be buried.” – Charles Caleb Colton

‘Hard work never killed anyone but why take a chance?‘ – Edgar Bergen.

‘Life is the only thing you can’t get out of alive.‘ – Unknown.

‘Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.‘ – Christopher Morley.

‘Life is short, make fun of it.‘ – Unknown.

‘Death is a once in a lifetime experience.‘ – Unknown.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife – Anonymous

Constant change is here to stay – Anonymous

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure – Anonymous

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. – John Peers.

If you can’t answer a man’s argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names. – Elbert Hubbard

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly – to someone else. – Ann Landers

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. – Milton Berle

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. – Jackie Collins