Mallory Ortberg Famous Quotes & Sayings

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100 Mallory Ortberg Famous Sayings, Quotes and Quotation.

Mallory Ortberg Sayings: As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail; if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: whoaI wasn't LOOKING at a birdwow where is this even coming fromthe BIRDwouldn't stop LOOKINGat whoa
I wasn't LOOKING at a bird
wow where is this even coming from
the BIRD
wouldn't stop LOOKING
at ME
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations. Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients. Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings all of my feelings I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings all of my feelings about you are just so soft and so normal just normal soft feelings that you're going to love
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: One of the things that would be great is to some day have so many One of the things that would be great is to some day have so many women comedy writers that we wouldn't say there's just one type of female humor. There's lots.
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: It's one thing to be a high achiever; it's quite another to privately sneer at It's one thing to be a high achiever; it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the "misfortune" to drive a bus for a living.
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: It can't hurt to have a backup. It can't hurt to have a backup.
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I love reading religious authors. Especially in the sort of circle I move in, people I love reading religious authors. Especially in the sort of circle I move in, people tend to be more secular, and I love reading books by just really smart people of religious faith. It's always a really cool perspective.
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I grew up in a home where reading was a big deal. I grew up in a home where reading was a big deal.
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: It certainly was unusual growing up with two fairly well-known pastors as my parents. It certainly was unusual growing up with two fairly well-known pastors as my parents.
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: you're damn right it'd be something caves of ice and ancestral war voices prophesying about you're damn right it'd be something caves of ice and ancestral war voices prophesying about damsels and sacred rivers screaming beware and your hair would float and ugh hang on two seconds there's a guy here
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Mallory Ortberg Sayings: LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by their family of origin.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I attended an evangelical Christian university on the outskirts of suburban Los Angeles and by I attended an evangelical Christian university on the outskirts of suburban Los Angeles and by the time of my graduation was neither evangelical nor Christian.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney "only" to I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney "only" to family members.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: The most successful Subway customers, of course, are the ones who can't keep their hands The most successful Subway customers, of course, are the ones who can't keep their hands off their sandwich. Join your artist in the sandwich assembling process. That sneeze guard is a suggestion. That sneeze guard is trying to intimidate you into staying on the customer's side of the partition.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them."
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Did you know that, pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on Earth? Did you know that, pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on Earth? It's true. Moose are very in tune with their natural surroundings.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: It's so, so awful for my entire body and my spine and my hands, and It's so, so awful for my entire body and my spine and my hands, and I have a perfectly good desk to write at, but I don't care. I love writing in bed.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I'm on Twitter a lot of the day because I really like Twitter. It's great I'm on Twitter a lot of the day because I really like Twitter. It's great for jokes. But when I'm writing, I can't do anything else. I can't even listen to music. I just have to write, and then I can do something else. I can't multitask.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Usually, the first thing I do when I wake up is I start working, so Usually, the first thing I do when I wake up is I start working, so I often won't start the day by reading anything because I like to minimize my 'commute' as much as possible. I wake up, open my laptop and start working in bed.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Eighty per cent of my output is 'Mallory clowns on the Western canon,' and I'm Eighty per cent of my output is 'Mallory clowns on the Western canon,' and I'm happy to be that person.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I'm of the belief that dating "potential" is almost always an exercise in frustration. I'm of the belief that dating "potential" is almost always an exercise in frustration.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: It's an unfortunate reality of life that toxins are constantly building up in our bodies. It's an unfortunate reality of life that toxins are constantly building up in our bodies.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I'm really not a journalist, and I don't do a ton of newsy pieces. Occasionally I'm really not a journalist, and I don't do a ton of newsy pieces. Occasionally I'll write about something that's going on recently, but I really don't do a ton of stuff that's tied to current events.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Someone who responds to "Please don't grope me" with whining and pouting isn't a friend. Someone who responds to "Please don't grope me" with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn't matter to You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn't matter to you. Please don't miss out on it.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Your partner cannot fault you for refusing to host a perpetual-motion party or for the Your partner cannot fault you for refusing to host a perpetual-motion party or for the fact that you must sleep and will eventually die.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are. Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: When I think of Emily Dickinson, there's not one particular poem of hers that jumps When I think of Emily Dickinson, there's not one particular poem of hers that jumps out, but I do have a very vivid image of an ill woman with giant eyes who wants to write about the sun exploding.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: After I do my first writing of the day, I will generally look at Twitter After I do my first writing of the day, I will generally look at Twitter and Google News - and that's my big media secret. I look at Twitter and I look at Google because they pull all the headlines from other websites.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: So many people choose silence after the immediate wake of a death out of fear So many people choose silence after the immediate wake of a death out of fear of saying something out of turn or "bringing up bad memories" that bereaved people often feel forgotten.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: We went to church twice a week. My parents were employed in ministry; we prayed We went to church twice a week. My parents were employed in ministry; we prayed before dinner. We rollerbladed in the summer. We were allowed to watch the 'Simpsons.' I fought with my younger brother over Legos.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I read my first P.G. Wodehouse when I was 12. I read my first P.G. Wodehouse when I was 12.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: frosting emergencies are just as real as other kinds of emergencies frosting emergencies are just as real as other kinds of emergencies
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, "Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma," you might have a case.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: "Not being virulently and overtly racist against black people" and "treating gay people like human "Not being virulently and overtly racist against black people" and "treating gay people like human beings" are necessary conditions of greatness.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Periodontal bacteria can easily slip into the bloodstream and cause infection elsewhere in the body. Periodontal bacteria can easily slip into the bloodstream and cause infection elsewhere in the body.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I love 'Jane Eyre,' and I love the Bronte sisters. I actually didn't read any I love 'Jane Eyre,' and I love the Bronte sisters. I actually didn't read any of them until I was in college, so I don't have quite the same connection with them that I think a lot of women do.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: You who have suffered so much do not want to be with the kind of You who have suffered so much do not want to be with the kind of person who makes "black widow" jokes to deal with an uncomfortable, painful moment. You should be with a person capable of great compassion and understanding.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense If this is something you'd truly like to work on, not out of a sense of guilt but because you would enjoy occasionally reciprocating, there are a wealth of resources out there for the enthusiastic amateur (you are far from the only would-be blow-jobber whose spirit is willing but gag reflex is weak). You have more options than "no blow jobs, ever" and "regular whole-hog sessions to completion that result in vomiting."
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human is that you get to set your own boundaries for whatever reasons you like, without appending a sensible rationale to them.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: In the hands of a passive-aggressive person who wants to abdicate responsibility for things, texting In the hands of a passive-aggressive person who wants to abdicate responsibility for things, texting is a great tool. You can really go nuts.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: With a few exceptions, birds are not to be trusted; it is not normal to With a few exceptions, birds are not to be trusted; it is not normal to have such soft, vulnerable bodies bookended with slashing beaks and razor-sharp claws. It is as unnatural as an armed marshmallow.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: (Remember you always have the option of taking to the sea.) (Remember you always have the option of taking to the sea.)
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Humor is always more interesting when it comes from someone who's had more than, like, Humor is always more interesting when it comes from someone who's had more than, like, five experiences.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Diapers do not belong on the same table as food. Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race, should be on nurturing and protecting your child from bigotry, not deploying him or her as an anti-racist Mr. Fix-It.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: In my final year of attending a Christian sports camp in rural Missouri, the year In my final year of attending a Christian sports camp in rural Missouri, the year before I started high school, they began to offer an elective Bible study group for young Christians who wanted a chance to read in the afternoons instead of learn to water-ski.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, As long as you don't think he's just pretending not to mind for your sake, it sounds like he has truly accepted that blow jobs are too difficult and painful for you to perform, and he's still very satisfied with your sex life. Take him at his word.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: hang all mysteries the only mystery I want to solve is how much cocaine I hang all mysteries the only mystery I want to solve is how much cocaine I can fit in my face the mystery of how much face cocaine I can have that's the mystery for me
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea! Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: The Toast's audience is about 30-35 percent male, which shocked me because I would say The Toast's audience is about 30-35 percent male, which shocked me because I would say that we actively try to discourage men from reading our site. Apparently, there's not insignificant number of dudes out there who think that what we are doing is okay.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I think female solitude is a mental condition as well as a physical state. You I think female solitude is a mental condition as well as a physical state. You can be married and a spinster. I think spinster is an identity every woman can claim, if she will ... I feel like a lot of women, or a lot of feminists, joke about taking to the sea or living alone in a cottage as this kind of fun freedom.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I have fun going on Twitter and the Internet. I feel safe and comfortable, and I have fun going on Twitter and the Internet. I feel safe and comfortable, and I wish everyone could feel that way.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: When I was twenty years old, I had gum grafts put in. When I was twenty years old, I had gum grafts put in.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Arm yourself with as many options as possible before making your next move. Arm yourself with as many options as possible before making your next move.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: My history teacher could make us feel like he was imparting rare gossip to us My history teacher could make us feel like he was imparting rare gossip to us when he was talking about Maria Theresa and the Habsburgs. I just loved that sense of - the Western canon is here, and it's gossipy and tawdry, and everyone is sort of goofy.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you. Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I have a lot of faith in the power of joking to make something thoughtful. I have a lot of faith in the power of joking to make something thoughtful.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: -I WOULD BREATHE FOR YOU MY JANEJANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONEI AM BEREFT WITHOUT MY -I WOULD BREATHE FOR YOU MY JANE
JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE
I AM BEREFT WITHOUT MY JANE
I SHALL SINK INTO ROGUERY

-i am with my cousins

-WHICH COUSIN
IS IT THE SEXY ONE

-Please don't try to talk to me again

-IS IT YOUR SEXY COUSIN
"ST. JOHN"
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS ST. JOHN

-I'm not going to answer that

-I KNEW IT
DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

-yes
Absolutely

-BECAUSE MY HOUSE IN FRANCE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ATTIC
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT
IT HAS A CELLAR THOUGH SO YOU KNOW
DON'T CROSS ME
HAHA I'M ONLY JOKING
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment. I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Anything where I get to write a lot of jokes and have a lot of Anything where I get to write a lot of jokes and have a lot of creative control - that's all I want.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I'm forgetful by nature and often ask family, friends, and co-workers the same question. I'm forgetful by nature and often ask family, friends, and co-workers the same question.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: My parents are both pastors. In the '80s and '90s in the mainstream Christian world, My parents are both pastors. In the '80s and '90s in the mainstream Christian world, it was not really common for a woman - especially a married woman and a mother - to be a pastor.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I spent the first 22 years of my life absorbing everything, like a big disgusting I spent the first 22 years of my life absorbing everything, like a big disgusting cell, and now I'm disgorging it with jokes added out into the world. That's a really gross metaphor.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: haha must have been a weird typo it's illegal to hunt men but exhilarating haha must have been a weird typo it's illegal to hunt men but exhilarating
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: There's no specific mission statement for the 'Toast.' There's no specific mission statement for the 'Toast.'
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: i'm going to kidnap your daughter someday and i won't let your nephew learn how i'm going to kidnap your daughter someday and i won't let your nephew learn how to read because of how much i love you and scream at your grave and i'll rent your room out to some guy from London
Mallory Ortberg Sayings: first of all she's not my girlfriend second of all denmark is a PRISON first of all she's not my girlfriend second of all denmark is a PRISON