Rita Rudner Famous Quotes & Sayings

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100 Rita Rudner Famous Sayings, Quotes and Quotation.

Rita Rudner Sayings: My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping. My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"?
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome. Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Cats are a waste of fur. Cats are a waste of fur.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'
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Rita Rudner Sayings: My Vegas act is how I make my money. My Vegas act is how I make my money.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: Men in high levels of government seldom surf. Men in high levels of government seldom surf.
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Rita Rudner Sayings: How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
Rita Rudner Sayings: Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture. Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything Life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Never take candy from strangers. Never take candy from strangers.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
Rita Rudner Sayings: The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic. The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962. I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I'm going to start water skiing someday ... as soon as I can separate it I'm going to start water skiing someday ... as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
Rita Rudner Sayings: My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner Sayings: You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life. I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.
Rita Rudner Sayings: My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
Rita Rudner Sayings: You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.
Rita Rudner Sayings: My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.
Rita Rudner Sayings: There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen
Rita Rudner Sayings: I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
Rita Rudner Sayings: All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
Rita Rudner Sayings: Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner Sayings: If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Rita Rudner Sayings: My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale. My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.
Rita Rudner Sayings: A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur. I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
Rita Rudner Sayings: An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work. An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
Rita Rudner Sayings: I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.
Rita Rudner Sayings: I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends ... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
Rita Rudner Sayings: No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
Rita Rudner Sayings: My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner Sayings: If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?
Rita Rudner Sayings: Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.
Rita Rudner Sayings: If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
Rita Rudner Sayings: Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people. Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.