Demetri's Famous Quotes & Sayings
100 Demetri's Famous Sayings, Quotes and Quotation.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.— Demetri Martin
Like a lot of people, I've always enjoyed commenting on strangers' outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people's hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.— Demetri Martin
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).— Demetri Martin
When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.— Demetri Martin
I like parties, but I don't like pinatas, because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals: 'Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz. Let's kick his ass!'— Demetri Martin
I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.— Demetri Martin
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.— Demetri Martin
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.— Demetri Martin
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.— Demetri Martin
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?— Demetri Martin
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.— Demetri Martin
Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job ... Sweet, that's a catch.— Demetri Martin
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,' ... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.— Demetri Martin
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.— Demetri Martin
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'— Demetri Martin
It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.— Demetri Martin
I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?— Demetri Martin
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.— Demetri Martin
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.— Demetri Martin
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over ...— Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.— Demetri Martin
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.— Demetri Martin
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.— Demetri Martin
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'— Demetri Martin
When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed. But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings.— Demetri Martin
![Demetri's Sayings By Demetri Martin: When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed. But I found that](https://www.greatsayings.net/images/demetris-sayings-by-demetri-martin-98121.jpg "Demetri's Sayings By Demetri Martin: When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed. But I found that")
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.— Demetri Martin
I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'— Demetri Martin
When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.— Demetri Martin
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.— Demetri Martin
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.— Demetri Martin
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.— Demetri Martin
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'— Demetri Martin
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."— Demetri Martin
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."— Demetri Martin
I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.— Demetri Martin
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.— Demetri Martin
I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.— Demetri Martin
My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.— Demetri Martin
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun ... ladies.— Demetri Martin
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.— Demetri Martin
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.— Demetri Martin
A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.— Demetri Martin
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.— Demetri Martin
I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.— Demetri Martin
When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you ... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.— Demetri Martin
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.— Demetri Martin
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?— Demetri Martin
AW LOOK, THEY FELL asleep! I nudged Saylor and pointed to the chairs where Demetri and Gabe were still sitting. Demetri's mouth was hanging open as he leaned to his right, and Gabe leaned to his left, meaning they were like cuddle buddies. Seriously, it was a hot picture. Teen girls' minds everywhere most likely were exploding right now.— Rachel Van Dyken
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.— Demetri Martin
I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.— Demetri Martin
I finally understand what love is. It isn't rainbows and butterflies. It isn't always pretty. Sometimes it's jagged like broken glass, and sometimes it hurts. But love, the type of love that's real - the love Demetri has shown me - it's selfless, it's persistent. Real love pushes your boundaries, it pulls until you snap, and then when you think you can't take anymore, it's— Rachel Van Dyken
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.— Demetri Martin
The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.— Demetri Martin
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'— Demetri Martin
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.— Demetri Martin
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.— Demetri Martin
You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.— Demetri Martin
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!— Demetri Martin
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.— Demetri Martin
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.— Demetri Martin
I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.— Demetri Martin
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.— Demetri Martin
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!— Demetri Martin
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.— Demetri Martin
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.— Demetri Martin
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'— Demetri Martin
Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about ... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.— Demetri Martin
A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you— Demetri Martin
THE ZERO SUM GAME: I have found that people whose hair is teased do not like brainteasers. By the same token, people who like brainteasers do not have teased hair. It's clear that the human cranium cannot sustain both.— Demetri Martin
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.— Demetri Martin
Demetri: It's about the girl I fell in love with. The taffy girl at Seaside. The very beautiful girl that I have to let go of, and it kills me to let go of the girl who stole my heart. A heart I won't ever give back, because it belongs to her now, my best friend.— Rachel Van Dyken
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.— Demetri Martin
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.— Demetri Martin
I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.— Demetri Martin
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but ... " I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."— Demetri Martin
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.— Demetri Martin
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.— Demetri Martin
Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it; it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.— Demetri Martin
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.— Demetri Martin
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.— Demetri Martin
It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.— Demetri Martin
A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.— Demetri Martin
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.— Demetri Martin
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.— Demetri Martin
I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put " ... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.— Demetri Martin
I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music ... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.— Demetri Martin
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.— Demetri Martin
In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.— Demetri Martin
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.— Demetri Martin
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.— Demetri Martin
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.— Demetri Martin
My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.— Demetri Martin
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'— Demetri Martin
The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.— Demetri Martin
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.— Demetri Martin
Let no man's deathbed be a futon.— Demetri Martin
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'— Demetri Martin
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous ... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.— Demetri Martin
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm ... I actually ... never mind"— Demetri Martin
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.— Demetri Martin
