Handler's Famous Quotes & Sayings

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100 Handler's Famous Sayings, Quotes and Quotation.

Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about - what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: If there were any seeds of doubt in my mind as to whether I really If there were any seeds of doubt in my mind as to whether I really loved Adam or just some image of Adam, they were all killed by the frost that was tonight's dinner party. No, wait, that sounds like it was some cold, deadly evening. I mean the opposite. I guess I mean that if the flower of my love for Adam wass being stunted by any feelings of doubt, then tonight fully fertilized my seed and allowed it to grow. That works if you don't think about the face that fertilizer is made if shit. — Daniel Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn't work then that's fine at least then you know it doesn't work. Don't worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: There are so many movies like this, where you thought you were smarter than the There are so many movies like this, where you thought you were smarter than the screen but the director was smarter than you, of course he's the one, of course it was a dream, of course she's dead, of course, it's hidden right there, of course it's the truth and you in your seat have failed to notice in the dark. — Daniel Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Carl Sandburg: Hog butcher for the world, Tool maker, stacker of wheat, Player with railroads and the Hog butcher for the world, Tool maker, stacker of wheat, Player with railroads and the nation's freight handler; Stormy, husky, brawling, City of big shoulders. — Carl Sandburg
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Evan Thomas: Bush's life is that a fundamentally decent man presided over a moment when politics got Bush's life is that a fundamentally decent man presided over a moment when politics got meaner and rougher. '88 was the year of the handler, of bringing in political consultants who played very hard and very tough'. — Evan Thomas
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Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: And when love is over when the diner of love seems closed from the outside And when love is over when the diner of love seems closed from the outside you want all those hours back along with anything you left at the lover's house and maybe a couple of things which aren't technically yours on the grounds that you wasted a portion of your life and those hours have all gone southside. — Daniel Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point. When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: A nice thing about children's books, though I'm probably alone in this opinion among other A nice thing about children's books, though I'm probably alone in this opinion among other people who write and publish them, is that they did get to be in this unrecognized ghetto for a long time. — Daniel Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie's baby shower, and they're serving Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie's baby shower, and they're serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: To Beatrice- My love flew like a butterfly Until death swooped down like a bat To Beatrice- My love flew like a butterfly Until death swooped down like a bat As the poet Emma Montana McElroy said: 'That's the end of that — Daniel Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I had no involvement with any extracurricular activities at school, mostly because the one time I had no involvement with any extracurricular activities at school, mostly because the one time I tried out for cheerleading I was summoned to the nurse's office the next morning to be tested for scoliosis. Sometime — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By David Handler: This whole, crazy fucking business can be reduced to one little word, one word explains This whole, crazy fucking business can be reduced to one little word, one word explains it all. I'm going to give you the benefit of my experience and share that word with you, buck. It's revenge.... Them studio execs, agents, producers, they're all sweaty, unpopular, bitter little fucks, and now it's their turn. They get to make all of us golden boys and girls jump through hoops. They decide who's popular and who isn't, who's pretty and who isn't, who gets their phone calls returned and who doesn't. They make us grovel, submit, suck up to them. They're getting back at us, man. It means more to them than the money, the fame, the glamor, having power over guys like me.... It's what they live for. — David Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.' — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: I like writing for movies. It's nice to be alone working on fiction in your I like writing for movies. It's nice to be alone working on fiction in your room, and then it's nice to be in a room with a bunch of people working on a movie. — Daniel Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: You see failed vocabulary in the adult world so often, and it's often because once You see failed vocabulary in the adult world so often, and it's often because once you reach a certain age you're kind of embarrassed to go look up a word if you don't know what it means. — Daniel Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Without ruining the ending, the gist is that he's a gay reindeer who can't afford Without ruining the ending, the gist is that he's a gay reindeer who can't afford a nose job, but he becomes a superstar in the end. It's all very inspirational. It turns out that, just like Rudolph, what I initially considered to be such a negative is, in fact, the very thing that has made me stand out. Not to sound preachy, but accepting my voice has given me the confidence I've needed to pursue my dreams. And just like Seal rocks his facial scars, Cindy Crawford works her mole, and Barbra Streisand wins every race by a nose, I hope you're inspired to make the most of your possibly less-than-perfect trademark, too. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: I'm always interested to see what films are made of books. I kind of don't I'm always interested to see what films are made of books. I kind of don't participate as a filmgoer in any kind of debate about what's better, the book or the movie. So I think it's interesting when people want to do it. — Daniel Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?' — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.
At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he's probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He's probably like, 'When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch? — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I was lying here watching Dr. Phil, who, by the way, has some anger management I was lying here watching Dr. Phil, who, by the way, has some anger management issues. Doesn't his wife Robin look like she's been hypnotized? I feel like he goes home and beats her. The guy's an egomaniac and he's not doing a very [sic] job of covering it up by pretending to be interested in other people's problems. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal. I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal. — Chelsea Handler
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Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: If you are a drinker, always use a pseudonym when booking hotels. None of us If you are a drinker, always use a pseudonym when booking hotels. None of us really know what kind of mess we're going to leave behind, and there's no sense in getting banned from a resort you respect. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: This teaching job did not pay a lot of money, because, let's face it, nobody This teaching job did not pay a lot of money, because, let's face it, nobody gives a flying fuck about education, but it was a temporary position. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Stewart Lee Allen: [Joffe], during a visit to Russia, complained to his KGB handler about the awful coffee. [Joffe], during a visit to Russia, complained to his KGB handler about the awful coffee. The KGB dude replied that it was really the Kremlin's answer to America's neutron bomb -- both killed people but left the building intact.

"I was then that I first saw this vision,"said Joffe. Bad coffee equals expansionism, imperialism, and war; good coffee drips with civility and pacifism and lassitude... — Stewart Lee Allen
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: People worry more about girls, for a good reason: I don't think my parents thought People worry more about girls, for a good reason: I don't think my parents thought I was going to be raped by a classmate or attacked when I was walking alone in some neighborhood. So it's not just paranoid parents. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Liz Tuccillo: Evan Handler's unsparingly honest stories about life, love, and his own shortcomings are hilarious to Evan Handler's unsparingly honest stories about life, love, and his own shortcomings are hilarious to read and oh, so easy (and fun!) to relate to. By the end you will be left with the surprising but unmistakable feelings of hope and redemption. It's Only Temporary is truly an inspiration, particularly for anyone who's out there looking for love. — Liz Tuccillo
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Choose the guy that's going to make you a better girl. Choose the guy that's going to make you a better girl. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: I gasped and pointed the way. I gave you an adventure, Ed, right in front I gasped and pointed the way. I gave you an adventure, Ed, right in front of you but you never saw it until I showed you, and that's why we broke up. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: One's home is like a delicious piece of pie you order in a restaurant on One's home is like a delicious piece of pie you order in a restaurant on a country road one cozy evening - the best piece of pie you have ever eaten in your life - and can never find again. After you leave home, you may find yourself feeling homesick, even if you have a new home that has nicer wallpaper and a more efficient dishwasher than the home in which you grew up. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate. I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them. If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: Mostly, it's flattering to meet fans. As long as it's in a planned, professional meeting, Mostly, it's flattering to meet fans. As long as it's in a planned, professional meeting, rather than, say, someone dropping by my home, which is not as pleasant. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or
more appropriate for that kind of growth
hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Dan Quayle: Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm my Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin. — Dan Quayle
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction. Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Amy Lane: It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob. — Amy Lane
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: What does it mean? Where does something like this come from? How can you find What does it mean? Where does something like this come from? How can you find it again,just what you wanted at just the right time? Never,probably. It's empty and nothing now, I don't even know why I kept it, and I'll keep it no more. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month? — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: The idea was women on boats. Lifeline Cruises pitched itself to women seeking adventure, whether The idea was women on boats. Lifeline Cruises pitched itself to women seeking adventure, whether a daylong adventure in the waters of the San Francisco Bay or a twelve-day adventure from San Francisco to Alaska and back. Passengers did not have to be survivors of breast cancer or domestic abuse, nor was any of the profit of Lifeline Cruises given to such causes, but the language of its radio ads, slippery and clear, managed to convey that this might be so. 'Empowerment' was one of the words. It's daylong cruise boat was named The Wild Lady, from a poem by Emily Dickinson that Lifeline Cruises had made up. Tote bags sold on board broadcast the words of the ad
The wild lady may seem
adrift to those who cannot dream
but within her uncharted wand'ring eyes
a heart beats healthy, strong and wise!
- and below this were the words 'Emily Dickinson. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: It didn't last, it wasn't clear for much longer, and that's why we broke up, It didn't last, it wasn't clear for much longer, and that's why we broke up, but when I close this book and give it to you, I don't think about that, just us holding the book it our hands to buy it and take it here with us, because damn it Ed, that's not why we broke up. I love it, I miss it, I hate to give it back to you, this complicated thing, it's why we stayed together. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: Love is candy from a stranger, but it's candy you've had before and it probably Love is candy from a stranger, but it's candy you've had before and it probably won't kill you. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I hated Big. I hated everything about him and this story line. First of all, I hated Big. I hated everything about him and this story line. First of all, it didn't make any sense that he was getting out of the car to tell her he would marry her and never once said that when she's throwing the flowers at him. I wanted Big dead. I wanted to take the fork that was sitting in my bathroom and stab him in the eyes, right where he has those big puffy circles under them. Stupid-ass shitstain motherfucker. Then Carrie wastes all of her energy being mad at Miranda when the real problem was and always will be Charlotte. Forget what Miranda told Big about getting married. How about being mad at Charlotte for being so stupid? The only decent thing Charlotte's ever done on the show or in the movie is shit her pants, and that does not make up for years of Type 1 retardation. My — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely. My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: I thought it was one thing but it was the other, it was zero zero I thought it was one thing but it was the other, it was zero zero zero alone on the bus while you slept in the room I had to leave, and that's why we broke up. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: Undeveloped, the whole thing,tossed into a box before we really had a chance to know Undeveloped, the whole thing,tossed into a box before we really had a chance to know what we had, and that's why we broke up. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Paula Nelson: Women's battle for financial equality has barely been joined, much less won. Society still traditionally Women's battle for financial equality has barely been joined, much less won. Society still traditionally assigns to woman the role of money-handler rather than money-maker, and our assigned specialty is far more likely to be home economics than financial economics. — Paula Nelson
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: If you open this you'll see it's empty, and you'll wonder for a sec if If you open this you'll see it's empty, and you'll wonder for a sec if it was empty when you gave it yo me
I can see it
another empty gesture you slipped into my hand like a bad bribe. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: I can't think of a story that doesn't have something terrible in it. Otherwise, it's I can't think of a story that doesn't have something terrible in it. Otherwise, it's dull. So when I embarked into the world of picture books, my first thought was to do something about the dark. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: The trouble with talking about irony is, it's such a slippery thing that the second The trouble with talking about irony is, it's such a slippery thing that the second you start talking about it, you're a better example of it than you are an analyst. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I don't cook ... I don't know how to clean ... there's may be a I don't cook ... I don't know how to clean ... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun. Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky. But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Cade Courtley: During mission planning, we had intelligence concerning dogs that might impede our goal and were During mission planning, we had intelligence concerning dogs that might impede our goal and were part of the target's contingencies. The exact method used to neutralize aggressive dogs in the field is classified information. However, Special Ops has some really incredible dogs. In fact, during the raid to kill Osama bin Laden, the highly trained men of SEAL Team Six had with them a uniquely trained dog as part of the mission. SEAL canines are not your standard bomb-sniffing dogs. The dog on the bin Laden mission was specially trained to jump from planes and rappel from helicopters while attached to its handler. The dog wore ballistic body armor, had a head-mounted infrared (night-vision) camera, and wore earpieces to take commands from the handler. The dog also had reinforced teeth, capped with titanium. I would not want to try the techniques this book recommends on this dog. Thank God he's on our side. — Cade Courtley
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka. That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Unless you're playing Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?, I don't think I'm gonna be able to Unless you're playing Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it. I've got plans. Don't married people know that the last thing a single person wants to do on a Friday night is play a nutty game of Yahtzee? I'd rather take a bubble bath with my father. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out of my own show and been like, 'Oh, God, what am I doing?' ... You have to remind yourself that 'OK, I'm kind of a badass. I can handle it.' — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: Ed, it was everything, those nights on the phone, everything we said until late became Ed, it was everything, those nights on the phone, everything we said until late became later and then later and very late and finally to go to bed with my ear warm and worn and red from holding the phone close close close so as not to miss a word of what it was, because who cared how tired I was in the humdrum slave drive of our days without each other. I'd ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you, and I did. But that's why right there it was doomed. We couldn't only have the magic nights buzzing through the wires. We had to have the days, too, the bright impatient days spoiling everything with their unavoidable schedules, their mandatory times that don't overlap, their loyal friends who don't get along, the unforgiven travesties torn from the wall no matter what promises are uttered past midnight, and that's why we broke up. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: My general writing preface is to write an outline and then ignore about half of My general writing preface is to write an outline and then ignore about half of it, both on a micro level with the individual book, and on a macro level with the series as a whole, and that's pretty much what's happened. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it turns up. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: For Beatrice, I cherished, you perished, The world's been nightmarished. For Beatrice, I cherished, you perished, The world's been nightmarished. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: This is love, and the trouble with it: it can make you embarrassed. Love is This is love, and the trouble with it: it can make you embarrassed. Love is really liking someone a whole lot and not wanting to screw that up. Everybody's chewed this over. This unites us, this part of love. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: It was everything, those nights on the phone, everything we said until late became later It was everything, those nights on the phone, everything we said until late became later & then later & very late & finally to go to bed with my ear warm & worn & red from holding the phone close, close, close so as not to miss a word of what it was, because who cared how tired I was in the humdrum slave drive of our days without each other? I'd ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you & I did. But that's why right there it was doomed. We couldn't only have the magic nights buzzing through the wires. We had to have the days, too, the bright impatient days spoiling everything with their unavoidable schedules, their mandatory times that don't overlap, their loyal friends who don't get along, the unforgiven travesties torn from the wall no matter what promises are uttered past midnight & that's why we broke up. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: I know you can't see it, not you, Ed, but maybe if I tell you I know you can't see it, not you, Ed, but maybe if I tell you the whole plot you'll understand it this once, because even now I want you to see it. I don't love you anymore, of course I don't, but there's still something I can show you. You know I want to be a director, but you never truly see the movies in my head and that, Ed, is why we broke up. — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: There was a noise above us like an airplane zoom, but it was getting too There was a noise above us like an airplane zoom, but it was getting too dark to see. People started laying on the horn, braying like bad geese in a panic. "I am here," Lila said with a trembly smile. Our driver's ed teacher had told us that's what the horn should mean. Not Move along, buddy or I am displeased but I am here. I am here, I am here, I am here! — Daniel Handler
Handler's Sayings By Amy Tan: In It's Only Temporary, Evan Handler confronts the ambiguities of life backward, forward, and in In It's Only Temporary, Evan Handler confronts the ambiguities of life backward, forward, and in between. With hilarious honesty he reflects on the realization that we can start over again. It's Only Temporary is a heartfelt book for all of us who are getting younger and older at the same time. — Amy Tan
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Chelsea Handler: You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case. — Chelsea Handler
Handler's Sayings By Daniel Handler: I opened my mouth and kissed you then, the first time all night, attacked you I opened my mouth and kissed you then, the first time all night, attacked you and surrendered completely, and let's get out of here. I'm ready, I'm finished, let's not break up, no, no. Take me home, my boyfriend, my love. — Daniel Handler