Jokes And Jokes Famous Quotes & Sayings

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100 Jokes And Jokes Famous Sayings, Quotes and Quotation.

Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Tom Hanks: But television, when I was doing it, was all about scoring. You had to make But television, when I was doing it, was all about scoring. You had to make these jokes bang, do whatever you could to make the material really pop. And if it didn't, there was something wrong with the material, or with you. — Tom Hanks
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Taya Kyle: Silly stuff could tickle him no end. Chris loved practical jokes, even when they weren't Silly stuff could tickle him no end. Chris loved practical jokes, even when they weren't planned.
One day he brought home a large kudu head to keep for a friend. (Kudus are large African antelopes; this one had been shot and mounted as a trophy.) I was in the kitchen getting something out of the refrigerator. I heard a noise and looked up-there was a beast in my house!
I screamed.
Chris appeared behind the head. For a brief moment his face was tight with concern and worry.
It was a very brief moment. When he realized he'd scared me with the silly head, he began laughing so hard the house shook.
"I'm sorry," he said, gasping for air. "I didn't mean to scare you."
He laughed some more.
"Oh, I'm sorry," he said when he managed to stop momentarily. "I'm sorry."
Another five minutes of hysterical laughter. By now it was contagious, and I started laughing, too.
"I didn't mean to do it," he said finally. "But it couldn't have worked out better. — Taya Kyle
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Nicholas Stoller: And I watch all the dailies and I grade the jokes or the moments, you And I watch all the dailies and I grade the jokes or the moments, you know, on a scale from ... so I know exactly what we have. And so I can then go into the editing room and be like "I want you to do this moment, this moment, this joke, that joke. I'd like to see 3 versions." — Nicholas Stoller
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Ray Bradbury: And suddenly she was so strange he couldn't believe he knew her at all. He And suddenly she was so strange he couldn't believe he knew her at all. He was in someone else's house, like those other jokes people told of the gentleman, drunk, coming home late late at night, unlocking the wrong door, entering a wrong room, and bedding with a stranger and getting up early and going to work and neither of them the wiser. — Ray Bradbury
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Rudolph Herzog: . Despite the considerable horror they had felt when the SA men were bellowing crude . Despite the considerable horror they had felt when the SA men were bellowing crude anti-Semitic slogans, in retrospect the joke-tellers were very much aware of the boycott's inherent absurdity:
A city on the Rhine during the boycott: SA men stand in front of Jewish businesses and "warn" passers-by against entering them. Nonetheless, a woman tries to go into a knitting shop.
An SA man stops her and says, "Hey, you. Stay outside. That's a Jewish shop!"
"So?" replies the woman. "I'm Jewish myself."
The SA man pushes her back. "Anyone can say that! — Rudolph Herzog
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By C.B. Cook: I'd prefer silence and random jokes about the passing billboards and scenery, but I know I'd prefer silence and random jokes about the passing billboards and scenery, but I know how he likes music. I just hope he doesn't start singing. — C.B. Cook
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By David Cross: I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage. — David Cross
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Gene Wolfe: Then I could not help wondering what the watching gods thought of us, with our Then I could not help wondering what the watching gods thought of us, with our clever masks and our jokes. What we think of crickets, perhaps, whose singing we hear with pleasure, though some of us smash them with our heels when they venture into sight. — Gene Wolfe
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Conan O'Brien: This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France. Twelve people were killed because a satirical newspaper made jokes that some group found offensive. All of us are accustomed to bad news from around the world. But this story hits home for anybody who mocks anyone. — Conan O'Brien
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Christine Stockton: Actually, nothing hurts like hearing the word slut, unless it is hearing the word rape Actually, nothing hurts like hearing the word slut, unless it is hearing the word rape dropped about carelessly. Again, a word I wouldn't have thought much about, except that when I was in high school a girl gave her senior speech on her best friend's rape. She ended not with an appear for women's rights or self defense, but by begging us to consider our language. We use the word 'rape' so casually, for sports, for a failed test, to spice up jokes. 'The test raped me.' 'His smile went up to justifiable rape.' These references confer casualness upon the word, embedding it into our culture, stripping it of shock value, and ultimately numb us to the reality of rape. — Christine Stockton
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By F Scott Fitzgerald: Again at eight o'clock, when the dark lanes of the Forties were five deep with Again at eight o'clock, when the dark lanes of the Forties were five deep with throbbing taxicabs, bound for the theater district, I felt a sinking in my heart. Forms leaned together in the taxis as they waited, and voices sang, and there was laughter from unheard jokes, and lighted cigarettes outlined unintelligible gestures inside. Imagining that I, too, was hurrying toward gayety and sharing their intimate excitement, I wished them well. — F Scott Fitzgerald
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Stephen Colbert: I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping. — Stephen Colbert
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Patrick Rothfuss: If you're going to have a book full of clever people and nobody ever jokes, If you're going to have a book full of clever people and nobody ever jokes, it's just not going to ring true to the reader. That said, humor writing is the hardest kind of writing there is. — Patrick Rothfuss
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Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Jeffrey Rowland: Let's talk about rape for a moment. Rape is not what George Lucas did to Let's talk about rape for a moment. Rape is not what George Lucas did to your childhood. Rape is not what happens when a sports team beats another sports team by a wide margin. Rape is not what happens when your electric bill is higher this month than it was last month. Rape is when a person violates another person in the most despicable, degrading way imaginable and among the myriad of terrible things humans can do to one another, rape is among the worst. I think the casual misappropriation of the concept of rape extending all the way to its widespread comical usage is disgusting even by Internet standards. Off my chest. — Jeffrey Rowland
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Marie Phillips: I've never had sex. Never wanted to. Not with a man or a woman or I've never had sex. Never wanted to. Not with a man or a woman or an animal, though my family jokes about it. And I never will. The thought of it disgusts me. — Marie Phillips
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Emily Deschanel: My whole family is very sarcastic and constantly making jokes. My whole family is very sarcastic and constantly making jokes. — Emily Deschanel
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Maria Das Gracas Silva Foster: It was not easy to get to where I am. My challenge is to learn It was not easy to get to where I am. My challenge is to learn to deal with the jokes that are common among men that I heard and continue to hear sometimes among men. — Maria Das Gracas Silva Foster
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Fred Allen: We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. — Fred Allen
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Emily Browning: With my boyfriend, we can make sexist jokes to each other because we know it's With my boyfriend, we can make sexist jokes to each other because we know it's absolutely not true. If I get home from a long day and he says: 'Go on, get in the kitchen,' it's funny because we know it's not our lives. — Emily Browning
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Jonathan Auxier: There is something wonderful that happens between true friends.When they find themselves no longer wasting There is something wonderful that happens between true friends.When they find themselves no longer wasting time with meaningless chatter.Instead, they become content just to share each other's company. It is the opinion of some that this sort of friendship is the only kind worth having. While jokes and anecdotes are nice, they do not compare with the beauty of shared solitude. — Jonathan Auxier
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Ernest Lehman: You have to understand that people feel threatened by a writer. It's very curious. He You have to understand that people feel threatened by a writer. It's very curious. He knows something they don't know. He knows how to write, and that's a subtle, disturbing quality he has. Some directors without even knowing it, resent the writer in the same way Bob Hope might resent the fact he ain't funny without twelve guys writing the jokes. The director knows the script he is carrying around on the set every day was written by someone, and that's just not something that all directors easily digest. — Ernest Lehman
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By John Green: I am not much for philosophy, but that old Descartes, he got me thinking. And I am not much for philosophy, but that old Descartes, he got me thinking. And therefore being. Anyone? Anyone? Cogito ergo sum jokes? No? Okay. — John Green
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Don Rickles: I've never been able to tell jokes. In the beginning of my career I did I've never been able to tell jokes. In the beginning of my career I did impressions and jokes like any other comedian, but I was never very successful because I did it poorly. So I started to talk to the audience and started talking about the atmosphere around me and started to become angry, not in a mean-spirited way, but in a fun way - and my attitude developed from there. — Don Rickles
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Jack Benny: I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray. — Jack Benny
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Rainbow Rowell: Damn, damn, damn," she said. "I never said why I like you, and now I Damn, damn, damn," she said. "I never said why I like you, and now I have to go."
"That's okay," he said.
"It's because you're kind," she said. "And because you get all my jokes ... "
"Okay." He laughed.
"And you're smarter than I am."
"I am not."
"And you look like a protagonist." She was talking as fast as she could think. "You look like the person who wins in the end. You're so pretty, and so good. You have magic eyes," she whispered. "And you make me feel like a cannibal."
"You're crazy."
"I have to go." She leaned over so the receiver was close to the base.
"Eleanor - wait," Park said. She could hear her dad in the kitchen and her heartbeat everywhere.
"Eleanor - wait - I love you. — Rainbow Rowell
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Chloe Neill: You are incorrigible." "I know." She sighed happily. "All the shit we've been through - You are incorrigible."
"I know." She sighed happily. "All the shit we've been through - all the shit I've been through - and I can still make lascivious jokes with the best of them. That's impressive, Merit. That's character. — Chloe Neill
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Mike Birbiglia: Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways. Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways. — Mike Birbiglia
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By David Shrigley: I don't really want to tell jokes about trivia; I'd kind of rather tell jokes I don't really want to tell jokes about trivia; I'd kind of rather tell jokes about things like life and death. — David Shrigley
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Julianne Moore: When I started out, the most terrifying thing was when I had to be very, When I started out, the most terrifying thing was when I had to be very, very emotional in front of lots of people. Now I've kind of learned that it is very important to keep talking all day, keep making jokes, and be connected with people, and be present. It's very important for me to be absolutely present in order to be emotional. I learned that is sort of the way I need to be. — Julianne Moore
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Octavio Paz: The Mexican ... is familiar with death. [He] jokes about it, caresses it, sleeps with The Mexican ... is familiar with death. [He] jokes about it, caresses it, sleeps with it, celebrates it. It is one of his favorite toys and his most steadfast love. — Octavio Paz
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Adam McKay: First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the times that you're living in. When you try and just do comedy about who is dating who and lifestyle jokes, it gets tiring after a while. It's hard to be funny in that realm. — Adam McKay
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By John Hodgman: One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably. — John Hodgman
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Elliot Perlman: ... anyway it wasn't your reading that started this. It was the laugher, the carefree ... anyway it wasn't your reading that started this. It was the laugher, the carefree laughter, the three dimensional Coca Cola advertisement that you were, the try-anything-once friends, the imperviousness to all that came before you, the chain phone calls, the in-jokes, the instant success, the beach houses, the white lace underwear, the private dancing, the good-graced acceptance pf part-time shift work, the apparent absence of expectations, the ever-changing disposable cults of the rural, the family, the eastern, the modern, the postmodern, the impoverished, the sleekly deregulated, the orgasm, the feminine, the feminist, and then the way you canceled with the air of one making a salad — Elliot Perlman
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Laurie Colwin: That family glaze of common references, jokes, events, calamities-that sense of a family being like That family glaze of common references, jokes, events, calamities-that sense of a family being like a kitchen midden: layer upon layer of the things daily life is made of. The edifice that lovers build is by comparison delicate and one-dimensional. — Laurie Colwin
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Margaret Mahy: Writing for young children I find I often use particular jokes with words and exaggerated, Writing for young children I find I often use particular jokes with words and exaggerated, funny events, but some of these haunt the more complex stories for older children too. — Margaret Mahy
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Will Advise: And I will wait for Jarod to work for me. For free, cause if it's And I will wait for Jarod to work for me. For free, cause if it's paid, it's work and not love, unless, of course he loves to work, in which case he'll surely love working for me, because I love people who love to do that to love to do that. — Will Advise
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Zach Galifianakis: I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night. — Zach Galifianakis
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Lord Chesterfield: Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not often bear transplanting. — Lord Chesterfield
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Joseph Addison: Round-heads and Wooden-shoes are standing jokes. Round-heads and Wooden-shoes are standing jokes. — Joseph Addison
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By P. J. O'Rourke: In Israel, waves of anger and fear circulate all the time, but so do jokes In Israel, waves of anger and fear circulate all the time, but so do jokes and gossip and silky evening breezes. So, too, in America. — P. J. O'Rourke
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Romain Grosjean: I like to smile a lot before going in the car. I make jokes, even I like to smile a lot before going in the car. I make jokes, even on the grid, and then I can still manage to focus when it counts. — Romain Grosjean
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Jack McClelland: The thing you don't realize, my dear girl, is that I have been forced by The thing you don't realize, my dear girl, is that I have been forced by the economic realities to start taking publishing very seriously. For example, it has been brought to my attention that our ability to continue to pay the hordes of people employed by M&S (God knows how many mouths have to be fed) depends directly on the number of copies of your new book [Life Before Man] that we are able to sell between September and Christmas. In past I have been able to treat this whole thing as a fun game. I have never been troubled by the cavalier explanations about lost manuscripts and fuck-ups of various sorts. Now I have learned that this is a deadly serious game. I don't laugh at jokes about the Canadian postal service. I cry. (in a letter to author Margaret Atwood, dated February, 1979) — Jack McClelland
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Rebecca Solnit: The stories don't fit back together, and it's the end of stories, those devices we The stories don't fit back together, and it's the end of stories, those devices we carry like shells and shields and blinkers and occasionally maps and compasses. The people close to you become mirrors and journals in which you record your history, the instruments that help you know yourself and remember yourself, and you do the same for them. When they vanish so does the use, the appreciation, the understanding of those small anecdotes, catchphrases, jokes: they become a book slammed shut or burnt ... The stories shatter. Or you wear them out or leave them behind. Over time the memory loses power. Over time you become someone else. — Rebecca Solnit
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Brian Regan: The funnest jokes for me to tell are the ones that are the newest. So The funnest jokes for me to tell are the ones that are the newest. So I'm just constantly motivated to keep my eyes and ears open and have new stuff. — Brian Regan
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By David Letterman: I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me. — David Letterman
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Vanessa Redgrave: The great writers like Chekhov know that tragedy and laughter are just a few steps The great writers like Chekhov know that tragedy and laughter are just a few steps from each other ... but it took me a long time as an actress to learn that. Actually Arthur Miller taught me in the Seventies. We were making a CBS TV drama of his play Playing for Time about Auschwitz but the characters were laughing. It was a big insight for me to realise that that was what's called gallows humour, in this case worse than the gallows, that humans need to laugh and make jokes in order to survive. — Vanessa Redgrave
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Carrot Top: My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh. My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh. — Carrot Top
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Emily Henderson: I believe that a perfect house is like a perfect person; no one really wants I believe that a perfect house is like a perfect person; no one really wants to be around them and everyone secretly hates them. Be the weird person. Be the interesting person, the person that sometimes says inappropriate things or laughs too loud at jokes, and have your home reflect who you are. — Emily Henderson
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Joel Derfner: It is easy to see in retrospect that what I longed for was not a It is easy to see in retrospect that what I longed for was not a boyfriend but a version of me without my defects
a man in whom I could see myself as flawless, a man whose jokes always caused riotous laughter instead of sometimes falling flat, whose German was fluent instead of passable, who actually knew everything instead of pretending to and then Googling it when he got home. — Joel Derfner
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Chuck Palahniuk: I went to sexaholics anonymous for six months. For research. I wanted to see the I went to sexaholics anonymous for six months. For research. I wanted to see the structure of the groups, how they were conducted, and what the atmosphere was like, and also to be able to describe the people as human beings, rather than as the dirty jokes that they are in our culture. — Chuck Palahniuk
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Robert Collier: Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. — Robert Collier
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Peter York: The White Company offers its loyalists an altogether better, whiter world. The White people have The White Company offers its loyalists an altogether better, whiter world. The White people have edited out any colours that aren't white, off-white, milk chocolate, grey, taupe or black. They can't be doing with Johnnie Boden's cheery Sloane jokes, his spots and stripes, his occasional 'if it's me, it's U' loud colours. — Peter York
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Cindy McCain: I rely on some words that actually my husband said to me. He jokes about I rely on some words that actually my husband said to me. He jokes about saying, "You know it's only darkest before it's totally black!" Even in my darkest hour - and my darkest hour was probably when I lost both my parents - I look to him and I see what he has endured, what he has overcome, what he is doing with his life, and just how he's lived his life. — Cindy McCain
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Steve Breen: I loved practical jokes. I loved being goofy on the playground, and I loved doing I loved practical jokes. I loved being goofy on the playground, and I loved doing silly cartoons, but I was not this subversive little delinquent. I am an Eagle Scout, after all. — Steve Breen
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Jorge Luis Borges: Lully's machine, Mill's fear and Lasswitz's chaotic library can be the subject of jokes, but Lully's machine, Mill's fear and Lasswitz's chaotic library can be the subject of jokes, but they exaggerate a propensity which is common: making metaphysics and the arts into a kind of play with combinations. — Jorge Luis Borges
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By James Gleick: Humorists are using Twitter to tell jokes in an interesting way. It doesn't have to Humorists are using Twitter to tell jokes in an interesting way. It doesn't have to be profound, and it doesn't have to be earth-shaking, but it is transformative. — James Gleick
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Gabby Douglas: I was just, you know, kind of getting racist jokes, kind of being isolated from I was just, you know, kind of getting racist jokes, kind of being isolated from the group. So it was definitely hard. I would come home at night and just cry my eyes out, — Gabby Douglas
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Terry Pratchett: You can't build a plot out of jokes. You need tragic relief. And you need You can't build a plot out of jokes. You need tragic relief. And you need to let people know that when a lot of frightened people are running around with edged weaponry, there are deaths. Stupid deaths, usually. I'm not writing 'The A-Team' - if there's a fight going on, people will get hurt. Not letting this happen would be a betrayal. — Terry Pratchett
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Adam DeVine: I always wanted to be a comedic actor - that's what I wanted from the I always wanted to be a comedic actor - that's what I wanted from the job - to do comedy and to create my own comedy. But I still love doing stand-up and will probably be doing it forever. I'd love to be an old guy who can't really walk, can't really stand-up, and I have to sit on the stool and tell jokes. — Adam DeVine
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Issa Rae: I used to love being the class clown. I loved to make jokes and make I used to love being the class clown. I loved to make jokes and make people laugh. There was a set of students who would find it funny. But the cool students were like, 'Eeew!' — Issa Rae
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By J. B. Smoove: Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself. — J. B. Smoove
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Marc Maron: Notebooks. There are dozens of notebooks. I always carry notebooks with me. I scribble in Notebooks. There are dozens of notebooks. I always carry notebooks with me. I scribble in them in a barely readable scrawl. I do not write jokes. I write moments. Thoughts. Fragments that I have to sweat over as if they're cryptic texts in a lost language when I try to interpret them. That shouldn't be part of my process - decoding my own writing - but it has been for my entire life. What does that say about me? Why can't I make it easy? I need to complicate everything to protect myself from success and to remain complicated and overwhelmed. — Marc Maron
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Eloisa James: Undoubtedly I will receive letters asking about the coney's kiss. The truth is that I Undoubtedly I will receive letters asking about the coney's kiss. The truth is that I made it up. There are many Renaissance jokes about coneys, or rabbits. The word was associated with women, particularly with their sexual parts, and young men in plays tend to boast of their coney-catching ways. I've never read a joke about a coney's kiss: One has to hope that that doesn't reflect a lack of imagination of [sic] the part of sixteenth-century men. — Eloisa James
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Lauren Gardner: I see myself as a huge dork that laughs at my own jokes and forgets I see myself as a huge dork that laughs at my own jokes and forgets to shower sometimes. — Lauren Gardner
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By T.C. Boyle: I'm just having fun making jokes and writing books. But you see me once a I'm just having fun making jokes and writing books. But you see me once a year, I come on when I have a new book out, but basically, I've got my nose to the grindstone and I'm doing what I'm supposed to do in life, which is make stories. — T.C. Boyle
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Dick Bruna: When I make a book, I make it for the child and not for the When I make a book, I make it for the child and not for the parent - no jokes in it for the parents! — Dick Bruna
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Rachel Bloom: Jokes that are gratuitously offensive are synonymous with bad writing to me. I'm offended as Jokes that are gratuitously offensive are synonymous with bad writing to me. I'm offended as a writer first and as a person second. — Rachel Bloom
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Penny Reid: Sure, but I think the traps should work." I set my hands on my hips, Sure, but I think the traps should work." I set my hands on my hips, not wanting to tranquilize the bears unless absolutely necessary.

"The ketamine isn't just for the bears." Drew gave me a sympathetic look, then promptly turned and left, Roscoe on his heels.

"I think he expects me to use the ketamine on the film folks." I chuckled, knowing Drew wasn't serious. It was pretty darn close to a joke though. I was proud of my boss, he rarely made jokes.

"Or use it on each other." Cletus gulped the rest of his coffee, smacking his lips before adding. "If these movie people are as crazy as Drew thinks they are, we can self-medicate until we pass out. It's always good sense to have an escape plan. — Penny Reid
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Carly Craig: A lot of female comedians will go up there in a sweatshirt and Converses, trying A lot of female comedians will go up there in a sweatshirt and Converses, trying to dress themselves down, because it is sort of a boy's club. I'll go up in my heels. I like that people don't think I'll be funny. I'll take that on. I don't do standup comedy - I do standup and I do comedy, but I don't go up there and do jokes. — Carly Craig
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Various: A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work. — Various
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Margaret Cho: I could never make a joke about somebody unless I could say it to their I could never make a joke about somebody unless I could say it to their face and they'd laugh. — Margaret Cho
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Jack Kirby: There were very strict social conventions, and you adhered to it, and I think it There were very strict social conventions, and you adhered to it, and I think it gave you a lot of character. When a man said something, he meant it. He wasn't kidding around. There were no jokes involved. Nobody was in the mood to joke unless you hit a guy with a baseball bat. — Jack Kirby
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Sylvia Plath: I feel good with my husband: I like his warmth and his bigness and his I feel good with my husband: I like his warmth and his bigness and his being-there and his making and his jokes and stories and what he reads and how he likes fishing and walks and pigs and foxes and little animals and is honest and not vain or fame-crazy and how he shows his gladness for what I cook him and joy for when I make him something, a poem or a cake, and how he is troubled when I am unhappy and wants to do anything so I can fight out my soul-battles and grow up with courage and a philosophical ease. I love his good smell and his body that fits with mine as if they were made in the same body-shop to do just that. What is only pieces, doled out here and there to this boy and that boy, that made me like pieces of them, is all jammed together in my husband. So I don't want to look around any more: I don't need to look around for anything. — Sylvia Plath
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Marc Maron: I think most other comics are like, "I'm going to do my fkin' act and I think most other comics are like, "I'm going to do my fkin' act and that'll be that." With me, it's like, "What if I forget my jokes? What if I can't pull it together? This is going to be a fking disaster!" — Marc Maron
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Evan Dando: When there are no women on the tour it can get awful and ugly - When there are no women on the tour it can get awful and ugly - constant horrible jokes and gross behaviour. It needs to be leavened with a feminine presence. — Evan Dando
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By L.A. Casey: God promised men that obedient women would be found on all corners of the Earth. God promised men that obedient women would be found on all corners of the Earth. I've been all over the Earth, and I call bullshit on that!" Alec snapped as he glared directly at me.

I snorted. "I hate to burst your bubble, but God also made the Earth round, he's got jokes."

Alec paused and glanced and me then to the sky. "Well played man, well played. — L.A. Casey
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Ana Claudia Antunes: What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I What did the soup say to the tea plate?
"You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours. — Ana Claudia Antunes
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By John Green: He took a long drink, then grimaced. "I do not have a drinking problem," he He took a long drink, then grimaced. "I do not have a drinking problem," he announced, his voice needlessly loud. "I have a Churchillian relationship with alcohol: I can crack jokes and govern England and do anything I want to do. Except not drink. — John Green
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Penny Reid: Your jokes are terrible."Greg grinned, walking me backwards into my suite and wagging his eyebrows Your jokes are terrible."
Greg grinned, walking me backwards into my suite and wagging his eyebrows he corrected me, "It's pronounced
tremendous. — Penny Reid
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By John Cleese: When you've been doing comedy for forty years, you really do know most of the When you've been doing comedy for forty years, you really do know most of the jokes. And even if you don't know a specific joke, you can pretty much guess what it's going to be. — John Cleese
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Rebel Wilson: In 'Night At The Museum 3,' with Ben Stiller, I was only given a couple In 'Night At The Museum 3,' with Ben Stiller, I was only given a couple of lines. If you are in guys' comedies, it's not like you are ever going to just get handed some jokes and a brilliant role. — Rebel Wilson
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By John Steinbeck: THE MIGRANT PEOPLE , scuttling for work, scrabbling to live, looked always for pleasure, dug THE MIGRANT PEOPLE , scuttling for work, scrabbling to live, looked always for pleasure, dug for pleasure, manufactured pleasure, and they were hungry for amusement. Sometimes amusement lay in speech, and they climbed up their lives with jokes. And it came about in the camps along the roads, on the ditch banks beside the streams, under the sycamores, that the story teller grew into being, so that the people gathered in the low firelight to hear the gifted ones. And they listened while the tales were told, and their participation made the stories great. — John Steinbeck
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Swami Vivekananda: Before parents one must not utter jokes, must not show restlessness, must not show anger Before parents one must not utter jokes, must not show restlessness, must not show anger or temper. Before mother or father, a child must bow down low, and stand up in their presence, and must not take a seat until they order him to sit. If the householder has food and drink and clothes without first seeing that his mother and his father, his children, his wife, and the poor, are supplied, he is committing a sin. The mother and the father are the causes of this body; so a man must undergo a thousand troubles in order to do good to them. Even so is his duty to his wife. No man should scold his wife, and he must always maintain her as if she were his own mother. And even when he is in the greatest difficulties and troubles, he must not show anger to his wife. — Swami Vivekananda
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Gabriel Iglesias: I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change. — Gabriel Iglesias
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Chuck Palahniuk: Somehow people have been sold on the idea that only professionals can entertain them, that Somehow people have been sold on the idea that only professionals can entertain them, that only professionals can sing or tell jokes. And people are cut out of this creativity loop, and creativity is being limited to these large, centralized voices. — Chuck Palahniuk
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Daniel Tosh: A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough. — Daniel Tosh
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Bruno Schulz: Matter never makes jokes: it is always full of the tragically serious. Who dares to Matter never makes jokes: it is always full of the tragically serious. Who dares to think that you can play with matter, that you can shape it for a joke, that the joke will not be built in, will not eat into it like fate, like destiny? Can you imagine the pain, the dull imprisoned suffering, hewn into the matter of that dummy which does not know why it must be what it is, why it must remain in that forcibly imposed form which is no more than a parody? Do you understand the power of form, of expression, of pretense, the arbitrary tyranny imposed on a helpless block, and ruling it like its own, tyrannical, despotic soul? — Bruno Schulz
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Cornelia Funke: The books in Mo and Meggie's house were stacked under tables, on chairs, in the The books in Mo and Meggie's house were stacked under tables, on chairs, in the corners of the rooms. There were books in the kitchen and books in the lavatory. Books on the TV set and in the closet, small piles of books, tall piles of books, books thick and thin, books old and new. They welcomed Meggie down to breakfast with invitingly opened pages; they kept boredom at bay when the weather was bad. And sometimes you fell over them. "He's just standing there!" whispered Meggie, leading Mo into her room. "Has he got a hairy face? If so he could be a werewolf." "Oh, stop it!" Meggie looked at him sternly, although his jokes made her feel less scared. Already, she hardly believed anymore in the figure standing in the rain - until she knelt down again at the window. "There! Do you see him?" she whispered. Mo looked out through the raindrops running down the — Cornelia Funke
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Amy Schumer: Some street jokes are just timeless. There's an old street joke about comedians. The joke Some street jokes are just timeless. There's an old street joke about comedians. The joke is that a beautiful girl comes up to a comedian at the end of the night and says, "I saw your show tonight, and I just loved it. I want to go home with you, and I'll do anything you want." And the comedian says, "Were you at the 7 or the 9?" That's just a perfect joke, because it points out how egomaniacal and obsessive comedians are. Even though I'm not waiting for a groupie, I can completely understand it. It just defines how comedians are driven. — Amy Schumer
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Taran Killam: I have, like, two and a half years of failed jokes that I know I I have, like, two and a half years of failed jokes that I know I wouldn't repeat, but I certainly have no comprehension of what definitely works. And the only gauge that I can go by is, 'This makes me laugh,' and is joyful ... I like to, if possible, do things that people can enjoy and it doesn't take anybody down. — Taran Killam
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By James Patterson: me in bed - with a honeymoon present. Some of them were small, some were me in bed - with a honeymoon present. Some of them were small, some were funny jokes, and some were extravagant, but every present came straight — James Patterson
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Bo Burnham: Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject. — Bo Burnham
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Mitchell Hurwitz: There are elements of that, where you'll see a scene again and you'll recognize it, There are elements of that, where you'll see a scene again and you'll recognize it, but I wouldn't say it's got one conceit like that, at all. It definitely has those jokes, but it would be wrong to say this is a show where, every time you see it, you see a new angle. — Mitchell Hurwitz
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Lisa Birnbach: In crew, contempt is important. In Boston, Boston University and Northeastern crew are treated with In crew, contempt is important. In Boston, Boston University and Northeastern crew are treated with contempt by the college up the river. Intramural crew is treated with contempt. Nonathletic coxswains (Chinese engineering majors, poets) are treated with contempt. A true coxswain is a diminutive jock, raging against the pint size that made him the butt of so many jokes at Prep school. He runs twenty stadiums a day, his girlfriend is six feet one, and he can scream orders even when he has the flu (which he catches at least three times a winter). — Lisa Birnbach
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Robert Lopez: With comedy, the jokes will come out, and people will see them coming. Changes in With comedy, the jokes will come out, and people will see them coming. Changes in daily life or current events can change the consciousness of audiences and can make the show less funny or feel more stale. — Robert Lopez
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Bill Bryson: The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds of jokes within you, and you mine that vein a lot. This isn't just common to me; it's anybody who's funny. — Bill Bryson
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By John Lasseter: Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them. — John Lasseter
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Henry Cho: I think my one of my strengths in standup is my ability to adlib. I I think my one of my strengths in standup is my ability to adlib. I do all my best writing on stage. I can sit down and write jokes, but I'd rather go on stage with a premise or an idea and let the jokes come that way. My creative juices are never flowing any better than when I'm onstage. — Henry Cho
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Alexander Payne: I make comedies and I always try ... I don't try but I allow to I make comedies and I always try ... I don't try but I allow to have at least 5% of the jokes or have some jokes that I know will be understood by only about 5% of the audience. It's that guy in the corner who gets it and laughs. But he has to have his jokes too. That's part of my audience. Part of my audience is the people who will only get certain things. — Alexander Payne
Jokes And Jokes Sayings By Cassandra Rose Clarke: You know, that pissed me off. We'd traveled half around the world to get to You know, that pissed me off. We'd traveled half around the world to get to him, and there were monsters chasing us and Naji's curse was impossible to break, and here he was cracking jokes about our professions. — Cassandra Rose Clarke